Ahhh February, Just when you've escaped the vomit-enhancing jolliness of Christmas...The dreary skint ridden plopness of January then comes a month to remind you just how many vile- braindead peolple are bumping uglies...yup Valentines Day!....
Now i'm all for a bit of romance, a bunch of flowers or a nice bottle of vino...yes i am. What I detest more than anything are these saddo couples that book into there local Pizza Hut, buy each other cards that say 'To My Blokey' or even more humdingingly awful 'The Missus' and sit staring into space and playing solitaire on their phone or better still think the end of the world is nigh if they can't spend this synthetic stalker- like day together? A night when future stars of Jeremy Kyle are born...
Being a *career minded* sorry i mean single lady it can sometimes feel like your missing out on such wondrous moments, when your heart skips a beat, when you dream in technicolor of long summers spent in the arms of your Apollo... where would i find such a being? such a beaut.?...Does he even exist?? Then I switch on the TV and as quick as you can say 'Paddy Mcguinness' Saturday night shit-a-thon' my thoughts leave me... melting my braincells (or what is left) is 20 something girls vying for the attention of a gold plated prize penis, either banging bongo's or juggling footballs and acting all nonchalant to win a date in 'Tenerifey' with another award winning wanker. Then comes the adverts 'I like old movies...like the god father...3' arghhhhh! find your perfect match at match.com....yeah, that or a more than likely a desperate, WKD loving 'ass hat' who enjoys reading Max Power and watching babe station in his Mums attic.
So just like the Suffragettes intended 'No likey-No lighty'
I'm off to watch Baywatch...
Keep shining that shit folks...
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Wednesday 4 January 2012
January's 'Jobby'
Happy 'National Divorce Day'
'4th January widely considered ‘national divorce day’ after the tension and pressure of Christmas has taken its toll on many couples and they decide to part from each other...Marketing Week
I'm sure some marketing fuckwit somewhere will create some putrid oversized card for other fuckwits to buy and send each other...just like national grandparents day, nurses day, St Georges day, Valentines day..blah blah blah...
January is pretty ploptastic but why do people moan so much in this time of year? Its like they thought they would never have to go back to work and they could sit on their fat arse forever eating chocolate log, watching yet another programme remembering some dead comedian that died 20 years ago...or a film that they 'absolutely loved' as a kid and still pretend to love as much, but when they actually watch it again they realise it is completely shit.
I find the best place to be cheered up is the supermarket. Having worked in one for several years its fucking amazing to see the amount of massive fatties buying supposed 'diet food' and harping on about how many points they can eat and how many calories there are in a bread stick. Paying shit loads to eat a lasagne made of cardboard because its been branded fat fighter friendly! Now I'm no Kate Moss but aren't fat people stupid? Put down the 20 bottles of cherryade, lay off that 5th packet of custard creams and stop getting your five year old child to make your dinner...
Anyway I'm sure there's some smug bastard getting married again or someone posting a picture of their unborn child on facebook to be looking at, so I'll leave you with this one...
Why carry a golf umbrella round the city centre? They're for golf you pringle-wearing prick (big thanks to the dick that nearly took my eye out this morning)
keep shining the shit plopfans
'4th January widely considered ‘national divorce day’ after the tension and pressure of Christmas has taken its toll on many couples and they decide to part from each other...Marketing Week
I'm sure some marketing fuckwit somewhere will create some putrid oversized card for other fuckwits to buy and send each other...just like national grandparents day, nurses day, St Georges day, Valentines day..blah blah blah...
January is pretty ploptastic but why do people moan so much in this time of year? Its like they thought they would never have to go back to work and they could sit on their fat arse forever eating chocolate log, watching yet another programme remembering some dead comedian that died 20 years ago...or a film that they 'absolutely loved' as a kid and still pretend to love as much, but when they actually watch it again they realise it is completely shit.
I find the best place to be cheered up is the supermarket. Having worked in one for several years its fucking amazing to see the amount of massive fatties buying supposed 'diet food' and harping on about how many points they can eat and how many calories there are in a bread stick. Paying shit loads to eat a lasagne made of cardboard because its been branded fat fighter friendly! Now I'm no Kate Moss but aren't fat people stupid? Put down the 20 bottles of cherryade, lay off that 5th packet of custard creams and stop getting your five year old child to make your dinner...
Anyway I'm sure there's some smug bastard getting married again or someone posting a picture of their unborn child on facebook to be looking at, so I'll leave you with this one...
Why carry a golf umbrella round the city centre? They're for golf you pringle-wearing prick (big thanks to the dick that nearly took my eye out this morning)
keep shining the shit plopfans
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