Aprils' Arse Nugget

So its April...Month of Fools and showers...or in my case showered with Fools.

My first gripe of this month comes from the fucker that nearly took my eye out with a metro Newspaper this morning, it kind of reminds me of that 90's Favorite Gladiators in the morning as i walk up Market st..(for those non Manc residents that's a busy pedestrianised street in the centre of our wondrous city)

Yeah you know the one, The gauntlet.. where the not so sexily dressed moron has to run with a giant sized, what looks like inflatable cock against a a couple of hotties named after a ferocious animal or natural disaster.

Well anyway, if its not someone thrusting a newspaper in your face or asking you to save the world for 2 quid its some one dressed as a statue or better still the dude that looks like Louis Armstrong getting blown away by the wind.




My personal favorite has got to be the chap who each time i attempt to get into urban outfitters for my overpriced replica Nirvana T-Shirt, tells me, 'Jesus died for our sins.' Of course he did mate and am sure he wouldn't have bothered if he knew you were on a pilgrimage to set your shit little step ladder up on Market St, have a pop at the man selling overpriced hot-dogs and generally piss the general public off  with your home made sign that looks like it should be at a at an Ant & Dec concert in 1996.

I remember a simpler time when there was no such avenues to express an opinion, no way of telling the world that your child had just done a poo, or you could waste your whole evening sending someone shit pictures that looks like a 2 year old on acids' handy work (thanks 'draw something')

I remember those hazy days down the school disco, knocking out a few shapes to star-trekkin or 'ding-a-ling-a-ding-dongin to superman... Filling your 10p mix up with 50p's worth of fizzy fish and fruit salads

or if you were really living life large and in charge you'd go for the 2p bad boys..yeah I'm talking 'beer bottle'/Anglo bubbly shizzle. Finish it off with a Highland Toffee bar and a can of panda shandy or a Calypso cup (upside down with the corner bit off of course) And you were pretty much sorted. Joining in with the a bit of jive bunny or the grease mega mix, whirling around in a chemical smoke haze from mobile disco Mike's septic smoke machine, the nodding of the dancing flowers as your LA gear flashed in the night...its like the night would never end.  That's until your mam picked you up in the Fiat Panda at 8 o clock.

Mega!

Well i'll leave you with a thought that came to me whilst watching Spring watch... 

Is it still wrong to Fancy Chris Packham?

For all the 'Really Wild show' fans it was all about Michaela for the boys and Old blond curtain, bird of prey loving,  Packham for us Girls...or if you were really weird Tezza (fingers bit off by a seal) Nutkins

you can't stop the plop....

smell you later poo fans x

March's meadow muffin

Fred the weather man...he really gets on my tits.

'Wet and Windy...but just look at those temperatures! 17 degrees! Those poor Hedgehogs and Bluebells just don't know what to do'

Oh yeah Fred, its a near enough heat wave out there. One sunny day that happens to have notched up temperatures  just above freezing point and Fred's wetting his Y fronts.

If i wanted further confirmation that i was indeed surrounded by absolute disillusioned donkeys, I got it in Tesco. Some student harping on to his 'trendy wendy' Alexa Chung wannabe girlfriend, that it would be 'amazeballs' (i have no idea either) to have  a BBQ and where could he find the BBQ packs? The spotty little tesconian checkout boy looked more gormless than usual at this request!? A BBQ! Well....I blame everybodys 'festive favourite'  the German Markets for such behaviour. The stupid amongst us eat one bratwurst that they have taken out a convinient 'pay day loan' to pay for, have a glass of warm tesco value Merlot and all of a sudden its a great idea to freeze your mammarys off with a bunch of muppets listening to German Techno.

Carrying on this weather themed post, I think it appropriate to bring the plight of umbrella's at this time of year to your attention. Poor little fooker's are your best buddy's when you caught in an unexpected down-poor, but the the first sign of wind and they are tossed aside, left in a bus shelter or just strewn across the pavement metal arms broken, there shower proof bodies ripped and torn. Together we can stamp out umbrella abuse. Lenny Fucking Henry doesn't give a shit about them though does he?!

Which brings me nicely to my final point to note for this month. Your walking to work through town in the morning or maybe having a leisurely browse round you high st favourites on a well earned day off from the poo factory. Now, if its not some fucking moron shoving a metro newspaper in your face or some prick dressed as a statue drinking a can of coke begging for money no doub it's a 'Chugger'.



Yeah those failed drama student, tree huggers,  that pounce two feet in front of you arms waving like an epileptic having an electric shock and say 'Hey' or 'Yo' or in my case this week, 'Hey Curly Girly' *shudders*.. potentially the most annoying group of peolple in the universe mugging you for your last tuppence for charideee...now my mum brought me up with manners but I really had hold back from laying the smack down on this douche. Who went on to make me feel guilty for buying my boots meal deal and generally living.... these doughnuts get paid to basically abuse, annoy and rape you of your freedom on the street whilst going about your day to day ploptastic lives.

Well in the words of Whitney 'I'm off to see Jesus, He's cool'...who said crack was Whack ay?!



keep shining that special Sheisse :)

Februarys Farty follow through....

Ahhh February, Just when you've escaped the vomit-enhancing jolliness of Christmas...The dreary skint ridden plopness of January then comes a month to remind you just how many vile- braindead peolple are bumping uglies...yup Valentines Day!....

Now i'm all for a bit of romance, a bunch of flowers or a nice bottle of vino...yes i am. What I detest more than anything are these saddo couples that book into there local Pizza Hut, buy each other cards that say 'To My Blokey' or even more humdingingly awful 'The Missus' and sit staring into space and playing solitaire on their phone or better still think the end of the world is nigh if they can't spend this synthetic stalker- like day together? A night when future stars of Jeremy Kyle are born...


Being a *career minded* sorry i mean single lady it can sometimes feel like your missing out on such wondrous moments, when your heart skips a beat, when you dream in technicolor of  long summers spent in the arms of your Apollo... where would i find such a being? such a beaut.?...Does he even exist?? Then I switch on the TV and as quick as you can say 'Paddy Mcguinness' Saturday night shit-a-thon' my thoughts leave me... melting my braincells (or what is left) is 20 something girls vying for the attention of a gold plated prize penis, either banging bongo's or juggling footballs and acting all nonchalant to win a date in 'Tenerifey' with another award winning wanker. Then comes the adverts  'I like old movies...like the god father...3' arghhhhh!  find your perfect match at match.com....yeah, that or a more than likely a desperate, WKD loving 'ass hat' who enjoys reading Max Power and watching babe station in his Mums attic.

So just like the Suffragettes intended 'No likey-No lighty'

I'm off to watch Baywatch...

Keep shining that shit folks...

January's 'Jobby'

Happy 'National Divorce Day'

'4th January widely considered ‘national divorce day’ after the tension and pressure of Christmas has taken its toll on many couples and they decide to part from each other...Marketing Week


I'm sure some marketing fuckwit somewhere will create some putrid oversized card for other fuckwits to buy and send each other...just like national grandparents day, nurses day, St Georges day, Valentines day..blah blah blah...

January is pretty ploptastic but why do people moan so much in this time of year? Its like they thought they would never have to go back to work and they could sit on their fat arse forever eating chocolate log, watching yet another programme remembering some dead comedian that died 20 years ago...or a film that they 'absolutely loved' as a kid and still pretend to love as much, but when they actually watch it again they realise it is completely shit.

I find the best place to be cheered up is the supermarket. Having worked in one for several years its fucking amazing to see the amount of massive fatties buying supposed 'diet food' and harping on about how many points they can eat and how many calories there are in a bread stick. Paying shit loads to eat a lasagne made of cardboard because its been branded fat fighter friendly! Now I'm no Kate Moss but aren't fat people stupid? Put down the 20 bottles of cherryade, lay off that 5th packet of custard creams and stop getting your five year old child to make your dinner...

Anyway I'm sure there's some smug bastard getting married again or someone posting a picture of their unborn child on facebook to be looking at, so I'll leave you with this one...

Why carry a golf umbrella round the city centre? They're for golf you pringle-wearing prick (big thanks to the dick that nearly took my eye out this morning)

keep shining the shit plopfans

Have you heard about the Turd? Turd, turd, turd...The turd is the word

#1. Turd polishing

The act of trying to make something hopelessly weak and unattractive appear strong and appealing. An impossible process that usually results in a larger, uglier turd.

If i could pick two words to describe 2011 it would be 'Pretty'-'Shitty'
That would sum up my existence ... Reaching for those rainbows everyday, making the best out of what the big man upstairs fires out of his big round botty in the sky on a daily basis ....Not that i'm really religious, or a believer in anything remotely holy but this blog is all about those funny little moments in life when if you didn't laugh, you'd probably cry. When your shining that shit so hard you have to stop and wonder why your bothering or what it means...


So here's hoping 2012 will be the shiniest poop in the poo factory, the clagnut that clings on the longest and the trump of life that one day reaches its ploppy potential...


So in 2012 stay tuned for my 'nuggets' of hope or just to laugh at my misfortune... lets polish those turds of life together people...